Ten days… I finally counted them today. In ten days I will drop Julia off for her first day of school. Four years ago I dropped Gracie off for her first day of school and two short years ago I sent Maggie on her way to her first day. I remember being filled with nervous excitement as I sent them off to begin their school careers. I shed tears that were a mixture of pride and sadness for babyhood gone too fast. But, I was ready to send them to school. They were ready to go to school.
This time is so, so different. Julia is ready to go to school. In fact, she can’t wait. I am not ready to send her. I am terrified. I am used to having her with me. I am used to being in control of her well being. I am used to protecting her. I have had the privilege of taking her to work with me since she was born. It’s the only reason I have been able to continue working, she has never been more than a 30 second walk from my classroom door.
In ten days I will drop her off at her pre-school and drive twenty minutes to my school. I will leave her in the care of teachers and a nurse that I hardly know for more than eight hours. I will trust them to catheterize her, give her medicine, check her braces, keep her away from nuts and latex, monitor her for signs of shunt malfunction and keep her safe from falling, especially on the playground.
In ten days I will drop off my happy, beautiful, sweet, extraordinary girl to school, where kids can be mean and hurtful. That scares me beyond words. We have spent her whole life telling her how amazing, brave and special she is. I can’t stand the thought of sending her into the world and having the words and actions of others make her question her self-worth.
I have done a lot of things that I didn’t want to do, that required courage I didn’t know I had since Julia was born. This is going to be one of those times. I hope I can find the strength to drop her off and drive away on August 22nd because I know that it’s the right thing to do even if it’s scary as hell.
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