Princess Shoes

Julia wants to wear princess shoes. You know the plastic, high heel dress-up kind. We must have ten pair at our house. We have Ariel, Cinderella, Snow White, Barbie. You get the idea. Gracie wore them. Maggie wears them now and Julia is obsessed with them.

The problem is that princess high heels don't fit over tennis shoes and AFOs. She can get one sort of half way on and hobble around in it. She was happy with that for awhile, but not anymore. She wants to be able to walk around in princess shoes and I can't convince her that it simply won't work for her. Have I mentioned that she is a bit strong-willed?

This obsession has been going on for about three weeks. She has added princess shoes to her collection of sleep must haves along with Mickey, Minnie and her Pillow Pet.

I have tried distracting her with other toys and hiding the princess shoes, but nothing has taken her mind off her desire to wear those glamorous high heels.

In the grand scheme of things, I know that not being able to walk in princess shoes is not a big deal. I try to have a glass half full attitude and be grateful that Julia can walk at all.

But, yesterday when I was futilely explaining to Julia why the shoes won't fit her and are not safe for her to walk in, I got glimpses of the future.

I started thinking about having to explain to four-year-old Julia why she doesn't go potty like her sisters and telling six-year-old Julia that she can't play soccer because she has a shunt. I started wondering if we will be able to find ballet slippers and tap shoes that fit over AFOs. The thought of all of the hard conversations that Julia and I will have as she grows hit me and for a moment it was hard to not let "life isn't fair" and "spina bifida really, really sucks" feelings overwhelm me.

I have to remind myself that today it's just princess shoes. Julia is happy, healthy and thriving. I need to take one day at a time and not look too far into the future. I have to remember that her attitude about spina bifida is going to reflect mine so I need to focus on what she can do and not the things she can't.

But, I give myself permission to be sad sometimes. I still mourn for the life that I imagined for Julia during the first 18 weeks of my pregnancy. The life that she will never have. A life that doesn't involve a shunt, catheters, daily medications, hospitals, therapists, specialists and special shoes. Sometimes I wonder if the grief will fade. I wonder if I will ever stop hiding in the bathroom to cry over plastic princess shoes.